Blap Blap.

Ever gone “Blap! Blap!” in mock enthusiasm for something? Yes, it’s embarrassing if you think about it. Mortifying if you deliberate on it. Have I? Of course – like everyone else I’m a bit of a nob. Last Tuesday, desperate to catch the last 10 minutes of the Chelsea-Barca game the only place I could find in Easton showing it was The Black Swan. Excellent – massive screen, sound on. And come the final whistle, loads of men shouting “Blap Blap!” in celebration. It wasn’t funny.

My white middle class brethren have long had a strange predilection for aping the idiosyncracies of other cultures in the name of “comedy.” Safely ensconced in their left-liberal “I was against the war in Iraq” cosylifemobile they can confidently claim to be leagues apart from Bernard Manning, Jim Davidson and Roy Chubby Brown. “It’s ironic when I do it – I’m making a fool out of myself: pass me the ipad I want to sign that online petition about how ghastly it is in Syria.” Yes, you are making a fool out of yourself – but perhaps not in the way you think. I mean, you’re not Sasha Baron Cohen – he’s thought about what he’s doing. And he’s funny. You’re not.

Or are you? I’ve lost count of the number of “comedy raps” where a middle aged white guy says “Yo – homie” and (white) people piss themselves laughing. It’s rife. One of the more bum twitchingly excruciating examples was on Radio 4. Some turdboy was chairing what would have been an interesting debate between Keynesian and Friedmanite economists (Keynes: state intervenes and artificially stimulates the economy – Friedman: leave it all to the market). Prescient, no? Except that the cretinous fartman facilitating the event had taken leave of his senses, and in some leprous attempt to make economics “fun” was exhorting the roomful of academics and experts to state their preference by announcing “Yo Keynes!” or “Yo Friedman!” Oh dear.

Has this guy (or his producer more to the point) actually listened to any rap music? I doubt he’s heard Biggie’s first album. Or Mobb Deep’s “Shook Ones.” Bet you he’s heard Eminem, though. The comedy rap can work – see Flight of the Conchords. But the point is they’re actually quite good. It’s funny because they can do it. They wouldn’t be able to do it if they didn’t listen to it – and like it. And so Rhymenocerous and Hip-Hopopotamus are absolutely priceless: it’s affectionate – and accurate. And they’re professional comedians so they’re good at being funny.

Even the terrific Crack Magazine are up to this nonsense, with their problem page being answered by a fictitious African (?) woman Mavis Botswinga. Here it is on issuu – page 13. At first I believed they really did get the sandwich lady from their local eatery to write their problem page which I thought a spectacularly fun and good move on their part. But unless I’m mistaken I think it‘s just bollocks. And unless I’m equally mistaken Mavis is in all likelihood a young white boy with an asymmetrical haircut. “Chill out, mate” Crack might say if they read this (unlikely) and they’d have a point. It hardly warrants getting one’s knickers in a twist, does it? No – in truth, it does not. And for someone throwing stones at people in print media I am standing in a spectacularly glass house. Of course, it’s also possible that this spoof column is being written by someone of African (big place, mind) heritage. In which case – well, it’s fine isn’t it? Otherwise, it’s a bit...I dunno...racist.

“Why do you care, Wayne? Why you so angry? Is it cos you’re short and you’ve just lost your job.” Very likely. I’ll be the first to admit there are few things duller than a left-liberal eggfest about whether people are using the appropriate language and oh my God what has Ricky Gervais done now? But given a) the British white historical track record and b) the fact that we’ve yet to attain a level of multi-cultural nirvana it might be prudent to leave taking the piss out of other cultures alone.